Self-Esteem: Good or Bad For Kids?

There have been so many confusing and conflicting reports on whether self-esteem has been bad or good for kids this week that I'm exhausted trying to keep up. Stories have been all over the news, the Internet and TV. If you google the subject you'll be reading for weeks. And here are some more thoughts...

It all started (again) with a research study, the lead investigator being Dr. Jean Twenge of San Diego State University, giving over 16,000 college students a narcissistic questionnaire (the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, NPI) back in 1982 through 2006. The results of the study were made public pending the release of her book in paperback. Its merits are still being considered for a peer-reviewed scientific journal.

If you haven't already read any of the articles around, then here are some of the basics.

1. NPI scores have risen since 1982. By 2006 two-thirds of the students had above average scores, 30 percent more than in 1982.

2. College students answered questions such as "I think I am a special person," "I can live any way I want," and "If I ruled the world, it would be a better place.

3. The researchers say these kids are "narcissistic" but not "clinically narcissistic" so they don't all have to seek counseling.

4. Students' more positive responses on the NPI are equated with higher self-esteem, a tricky assumption to make because it depends on your definitions. Wouldn't a more comprehensive definition of self-esteem include feeling good about yourself because you know the value of responsibility, hard work, character, and the common good? In fact, the California Task Force on Self-Esteem in the mid 1980's created a document outlining just these characteristics (the opposite of what Twenge would call narcissism) as being part of what self-esteem means.

5. The study's results support the idea that higher self-esteem leads to "negative consequences for society, including the breakdown of close relationships with others, reacting aggressively to criticism, and favoring self-promotion over helping others." And that it leads to more crime, higher teen pregnancy, more drug use (see Twenge's earlier findings).

6. The researchers conclude that problem stems from the beginning self-esteem movement in the 1980's and telling our kids they are special. (See my comments in #4 above re what the movement really said.)

These last two assumptions are hard to swallow. Twenge quotes different research to support the study's conclusions. Other researchers quote opposing stats. For example, an article by authors Neil Howe and William Strauss on the Op Ed page of the LA Times March 2nd point out just the opposite trend. "Millennials have much greater regards for each other, their parents and the community than other Gen X's or baby boomers had at the same phase of life." Howe and Strauss go on to quote statistics that support their viewpoint and directly oppose Twenge et. al's saying crime, teen pregnancy, drug abuse all have actually lower not higher rates today for those under age 25 and volunteerism has gone up. (Twenge dismisses the higher help rates by saying kids are just doing it to look good on a college resume.)

I wonder if we go along with Twenge's suggestion and stop telling kids they are special, is that really the answer to many of society's problems? I don't believe such a flip response is the answer. There are so many layers to this issue.

For our youngest kids, parents’ thoughtful praise is critical - their view of themselves comes from their parents, because parents are their world. They haven't developed the skills or experience to nurture or appraise themselves. And too many kids just hear what they are doing wrong, not right. We want our kids to develop an inner sense of self, and perhaps always hearing they are "great" from outside sources doesn't ultimately do what we'd like it to. That is, to develop an inner sense of worth so kids can comfort themselves when they need to, realistically appraise what their talents really are - where they have to work harder, where they can help others, and what they want their place in the world to be and work toward that goal.

It seems wise to praise for trying to do their best, not just achieving the highest honor. CBS News reported on Dr. Carol Dweck's research at Stanford University, which supports praising effort. "Dweck conducted experiments on fifth graders. After a test she praised one group for being smart" and "another group for the effort they put in." In a later "much harder exam, the kids who were led to believe they were smart folded. But the ones who were praised for trying performed much better." Research about "learned hopelessness" also shows if you don't think you can achieve something, eventually you won't even try.

All this fuel for the fire presents an opportunity to evaluate the study's broad implications for our children, the effect of throwing the "baby out with the bathwater", and how we think / feel about this subject overall. What is important to you? What values do you want children to develop? How are you helping them become the person you believe and hope they can become?

Why not make your own determination about the good and bad of self-esteem when you consider the children in your life? How are they feeling about themselves, and how are those feelings affecting the lives they are leading? Are they saying they are feeling good, but teasing or putting other kids down at school? Or are they reaching out and standing up for the kid who is being teased? Have they developed enough empathy and self-responsibility to understand that what they say and do affects others, and act positively on those traits? And if you don't appreciate what you see in their behavior, then teach them what matters - your value system. And remember kids learn best by example, so be true to what you believe in.

Please share your thoughts and feelings on this latest Hot Topic.